Confessions of an animal lover

Vegetarians … How I pity them … for they are missing all good things in the world. I have plenty of Vegetarian friends (most of them Brahmins). Most of my friends have become non-vegs after keeping my company. But it’s their parents that create problems. They don’t see their son gulping in Chicken wings and shouting out “ This cauliflower Manchurian tastes so good “. They ask me always how can I eat a living being. Since I don’t want to start the whole conversation about plants being living beings, I just say, “If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat? “. That is a very legitimate question and answer for me. If I ever have to be on a strict vegan diet, I will prefer eating vegans.

BTW…
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

Listen guys … before trying to persuade me to give up vegetarian food…listen to what I have got to say …Don’t get me wrong here. I love animals. How can I not love something that tastes so good? Its plants that I don’t like! I agree that non-veg food doesn’t keep you fit (there are a lot of people who stay fit … but these people spot me and think that they have a strong point). As per their wisdom, eating vegetarian food helps us stay fit. As far as I know, Elephant is a vegetarian. I don’t see him remaining as fit. Listen to my advise …” EAT RIGHT … STAY FIT .. AND DIE ANYWAY “

BTW…..why did the Tofu cross the road ?
To prove that he was not chicken!

My vegan friend always interrupts when I try to pour milk into my coffee …
Friend : Do you know that this milk belongs to a poor calf
Me : Don’t worry yaar ….I have already eaten that calf for lunch.

A lot of guys have lost their veg-inity right in front of my eyes. I have seen one guy attaining nirvana after trying one piece of Beef Ularthiyathu (Beef Fry). But he attained it a little too much that he had to have it everyday, even for breakfast!

A final thought … after centuries of struggle and fight, we humans fought our way to the top of the food chain for what??? To remain vegetarians … NOOOOOO …If that was the case we could have remained in the bottom … with goats, cows, buffalos etc. Have I got a point or not???

Artistic Heart Attack

I was not expecting a comment on my blog for at least 6 months till I establish myself in the blogosphere. But handful of my friends gave me regular comments which made me want to write more.
Yesterday night ... I was thinking of the agony of a blogger waiting for his first comment and my 'Creative Juices' started to flow. I tried peeing four times in 1 hour ... but the 'Creative Juices' didnt stop flowing !!

Here is the child of my 'Creative Juices' ...


why...ohh why ... no comment !!
For it just takes a moment
Are ur hearts made of cement
making all of you dormant
my thots fly off on a tangent
causing my anger to ferment



Hhhooo...enthoru aashwasam...( What a relief !! )

It a big relief to get rid of that 'Artistic Heart Attack ' ( loosely translated as "Kalaakarante Hridaya vedana" )

Echuse Me Please !!!

Some people needs help with everything. They can’t take a decision of their own and need directions for everything. I usually try to help out these people as much as I can. I consider it same as my directional (non) sense. But these type of people have given me plenty to laugh about.( People get to laugh a lot on my directional sense …So its perfectly fine for me to laugh ….)
I have a couple of friends who fits this bill perfectly … one is ‘J’ and the other is ‘N’ (names not included for health safety issues).

‘J’ has been in USA for about 3 years now. He has done his Masters here and usually the first thing students do after reaching US is to take membership (free) in all the movie sites like malluterminal, videoduniya etc. So I was pretty surprised when he asked me how to watch a movie in malluterminal last month (He wanted to watch Nasrani – The mammootty movie).

Me: Eda…Go to malluterminal and go to new online movies.
J : What do you mean by go ??
Me : Sorry ..open IE and type that address in there.
J: And then …
Me : Go to new online Malayalam movies
J : You mean click on it ..
Me : (Sigh ) Yes…and when you are in ... click on the link that says ‘Nasrani’
J : Ok…and then
Me : Now you should see a window with the movie in it..Enjoy…
J : Ok…and then
Me : Close your laptop and sleep for 5 hours ..
J : you serious
Me : Hit play you $##$# !!!!

My other friend ‘N’ is in India. He is doing his PhD and working as a Research Assistant in Mumbai. One day he calls me up at night ….

N : Eda…very urgent…I have a question regarding MS Office.
Me : Eda…I know…u might want to write a macro right…but I am not that
confident with VB and all those stuff
N : No man…I was typing something in MS Word and I have reached the end of the
page. Do you have any idea how to go to the next page.
Me : hmm….That’s a tough one…try hitting Enter.
N : Thanks man…you are a genius !!

N later confessed that he was tensed and couldn’t remember even the most basic things since he had a big presentation the next day. I perfectly understand…happens to all of us.

We were having our usual weekend party at my house last day and ‘J’ was the one in charge of re-filling the glasses. He poured whisky and soda into every glass ..

Me : Eda … 2 ice cubes for me.
J : Where do you keep the ice cubes ?
Me : We usually keep it in the bedroom locker…where do you keep it ?
J : Be serious…where is it ? ( He didn’t get it .. even at this moment !!)
A (Another friend): Where do we usually find ice?
J : ohhh….athu njan orthilla ( I didn’t think of that )

Both of these guys are in the marriage market right now.... I always think of their first night ... ( chiiii....not in that way ). Imagine the girls dilemna when the guy asks for directions after the initial cuddling....

Girl : umma...I love you da
Guy : I love you too da...
Girl : Proceed chetta...pls proceed
Guy : Echuse Me...Can you tell me what is to be done next.
Girl : ( being a bharateeya naari ) *shy* *silence*
Guy : zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Past, Present & Future (If I have one ) - TAG

I have been tagged by Silverine … My first tag , and here it goes…

The Tag

Two questions from the past, present and future. Answer them and then tag your friends from the blog-o-sphere. Leave a comment on their blog letting them know they have been tagged and you are all set.

Yesterday

Your oldest memories...


I was 4 and lived with my family in Bahrain. My father asked me to go to the nearby store and get some soda for him. It was an Indian store in Manama and they had a big jackfruit there since it was jackfruit season in India. I never had smelled something so good. I stood there smelling and staring at that ‘chakka’ for 1 full hour. My father came looking for me and he saw me staring at that ‘chakka’ and he got it for me.
I was 4 years old and my mother was full term pregnant with my sister. She was hospitalized and that meant Pappa and me alone in the house (I just used to love those days). Pappa used to wake me up in the morning for school. I will wake up, open one eye and ask Pappa “ Pappa…can we sleep for some more time ?”. He never says no to anything I ask…so we sleep again. When my mother came back after delivery, she was shocked to see that Pappa had taken 5 days leave from his work and I had never been to school for past 8 days. I still remember the scolding we got for that.

What were you doing ten years ago?

Past 10 years (1998 – 2008) was the most eventful ones in my life. I completed my
10th in Kuwait and convinced my parents that I had to go to India for Entrance coaching. I stayed at my grandmother’s place and from that day onwards, life was a roller coaster ride for me. Fell in love with a beautiful girl and after 111100987 rejections from her, I persuaded her that I was indeed the right guy (Poor girl!!). It was in 1998 that I started body building to get in shape to impress my girl and a lot others who said that I am FAT (The only shape that I managed was ‘round’).

Today

Got up in the morning to see my daughter sitting on my chest and trying to pluck out some of my chest hair. We played with her for sometime and checked my laptop to see that I have been tagged. I was really happy to say the least. I followed my daily routine after that …called my parents, sister and 2 best friends in India while I was driving and started responding to the tag after reaching my office.

Tomorrow

Is a Friday. I love Fridays … uummaaa….Fridays are party days. I have plenty of friends here and we eat, drink and party whole night. My wife joins the ‘very important’ discussions till my daughter falls asleep on the sofa.

What do you see yourself doing 14 years from now?

My kiddo will be 15 by then. I see myself dragging her out of a casino or a dance club J. I hope to be just as in love with my wife as I am today. I will have my parents, sister and my two friends by my side (I begged those idiots to at least pass the 12th standard … but I am sure I will bring them somehow.)

If you build a time capsule what would it contain?

Definitely my wife and kid. And full supply of Whisky, A refrigerator for my ice cubes, lots of soda and Non-vegetarian food ( Chicken, Goat, Pork, Rabbit, Snake, Lizard, Humans…u name it …I eat it !!)

I tag,

Relatively new guy in blogosphere. And all the people I know have been tagged already (Damn you Silverine … L)

So I tag ..

Ajith

Tail of two Vaanams

Commenting in Mathew's blog gave me the inspiration for this one..

Chandrayaan II is all set to be launched. The first one was such a huge success that we didn’t get a single piece back (Usually we do…we have set up an entire water body for that…. locals call it Arabian sea).

Scientist 1: Charlie calling Oochali … do you copy…
Scientist 2: Oochali has never copied…that’s a false accusation
Scientist 1: Do you hear me??
Scientist 2: Ohh…That I do…
Scientist 1: Report status there … over
Scientist 2: Kumble bowling his 3rd over … do you want the score also.
Scientist 1: Yes…thank you.

Madhavan Nair, the head of the mission seems visibly tensed.

Madhavan Nair: Assistant .. see whats the weather prediction…Call kaalavashtha nireekshana kendram ( KNK )…quick.
Assistant : Hello KNK …
KNK guy : yes
Assistant : Mazha peyyumo ? ( Will it rain )
KNK guy : ( Calls out load )…Eda Sasi .. purathu mazhakarundo ennu nokkiye ( Check whether there are clouds outside )
Sasi : Undu sir ….
KNK guy : ( to assistant ) ….mazha peyyum ( it will rain )
Assitant : What are the odds …
KNK guy : 1..3…5…7…
Sasi : Err..sir ..I think the asked for chances of rain…
KNK guy : ( whispering to Sasi ) ..whats the time now ?
Sasi : Time is 6.30 sir ….
KNK guy : ( to assistant ) there is 63% chance for rain…
Assistant : What are the chances of rain after 30 more minutes sir…that’s when we are launching the vaanam ….err…rocket..
KNK guy : that’s zimple … it should be 70%

There is a huge mob dressed in red shirt and lungie ( a traditional centrally air conditioned kerala dress ) outside the launching center. They are arguing with Madhavan Nair ….
Trade Union guy : Atleast 5 of our trade union fellows will come in this vaanam
Madhavan Nair: Sir … this is not a vaanam first of all …
Trade Union guy : I don’t care…That’s what our Chief minister has taught us…and Unloading anything anywhere is our right.
Madhavan Nair : We are not unloading anything anywhere sir….we are just planning to land this on moon and land a motorized rover for studies.
Trade Union guy : Madhavaa….That’s exactly what I meant…
Madhavan Nair : We did our Chandrayaan 1 and you guys didn’t create any problem.
Fellow Scientist : ( Whispering ) .. No sir…actually we had the capacity to land the rover on moon in our Chandrayaan I project itself…but they insisted that they wont let us unload anything without them…so we thought we would just see moon and come back …
MN : Ok….everyone who wants to go..please get in…we need to start the count down immediately…and sorry sir…Kaja beedi is not allowed in this…



Countdown …. 5 .. 4…3…2…1….0

And Chandrayaan 2 has left ( ouch…pun intended ) for moon…* cheers * * claps *

Direction(less) wonder

Commenting at Philip’s blog made me write this one. I have many friends who can give directions when they are asleep (Please dont read between lines). My allergy to directions started back in 1st standard when my mother’s brother tried to teach me North, East, West & South. I was good at every other subject – but I just didn’t have the brain to comprehend directions. To complicate matters further…my father was an atlas freak.

Pappa : Mone ..See what I have got for your Bday, a globe
Me : Pappa…Are you try to say that I am turning fat and should eat less ?
Pappa : hmmm…Now that you mentioned it…try not to finish one whole chicken for breakfast…..your mother is concerned about our food budget.
Pappa : Can you show me where Europe is ?
Me : Points to Antartica…
Pappa : ( After several futile attempts ) Mone…atleast show me Parappanangadi ( you guys don’t know this place…tsk..tsk )
Me : Points to Europe…
Pappa : ( Happily ) He answered my first question…he is picking it up slowly.

My wife is a master in directions…

Me : Darling…( that’s translation for Edi ) .. How to go to Super Walmart
Wife : hmm…I think that’s in the south…so if you take route 40 and then merge onto route 2 and then drive for 2 miles on I 95 and get into route 36…it should come on your left
Me : You free ???

My friends often call me for directions…(If they are desperate and they don’t get anyone else on phone)

Sudip : Eda…I want to reach Peoples Plaze…go to google maps and find where it is …
Me : Sure …where are you now….
Sudip : I am at the intersection of Salem Rd and Route 20.
Me : Go straight…and tell me when you see Old Baltimore Rd
Sudip : ( After 20 mins ) … I see old Baltimore Rd..
Me : OK….you have to turn right on the previous intersection.
Sudip : #*$&

I India I used to stop every 5 mins to ask for directions from thattu kada wallahs

Me: Chetta …. How to go to my house..
Chettan: Why are you late today…I was waiting for you to close my shop…you go straight and take the next left and its your house is on the right.

In US…there are no thattu kadas…so I went and bought one GPS.

GPS : Turn left on Harmony Rd…
GPS : Recalculating … Turn right on Pattambi square
GPS : Recalculating….Turn right on Ambalapuzha avenue
GPS : Recalculating…..Turn left before next intersection….Atlantic ocean ahead
GPS : Recalculating….. Maanga tholi…Naayinde mone….For the love of god, throw me out if you are going to suicide….$##*

Hunter & Hunted - Part 3

Next day we again started hunting around 6 am and didn't get anything till evening. It was then D told me that he knew one guy Mohanan. He used to be good fisher man ( I didn't think what fishing had to do with hunting ... I wanted more of that delicious kokku irachi ). Mohanan was a married man with 2 kids ( 35 years old ) but had the heart of a kid ( Like we say in Kerala....Avanu pillerude manasa, chila thendi pillerude ). He told us that we were doing it all wrong. We had to hunt after 12 midnight, that's when the kokku sleeps. We had never thought of that...of course this thing has to sleep and it should be easier to catch it then. We were convinced. Mohanan convinced us that if we 8+1=9 ppl hunt for 4 hours, we will have atleast 8 kokkus ( Cranes ). I was really happy, I asked B and P to share their kokku since I needed one whole kokku. They were not happy, but agreed anyways since they knew that I had some new 'educational CD' with me.
So I borrowed ( yeah...stole ) some vessels from my house and B stole the utensils. We all stole something and we had everything ready. Antony didn't want to go for hunting..he was scared of snakes...so he was made in charge of cutting onions and sautéing it. He had already started cutting onions and peeling tomatoes when we left. Apparently that was karutha vaavu and we didn't even spot a single one. We were devastated, we were hungry. We had our usual quota of OPR, but we don't have any touchings with it. While we were returning, we passed by Paulose chettan house.

D: He has a poultry farm
B : And he is so kanjoos ( miser )
P : Everyone in the village hates him
Mohanan : Daivam dushtamare pana pole valarthum
Me : Lets do it !!

So D who is most courageous walks in front. When we were 200 ft from the farm and everyone except D was scared. So D took the responsibility and went and caught 3 hen from there ( You should see the way he walked...as though he was there to marry Paulose chettan's daughter....head held high and very calm ). He bought the hen back, we cooked it and ate it...happy ending ....right......
No...

Next day we plan hunting again...this time we hunt for only 15 mins and gets bored. Everyone looks at each other...we head for Paulose chettans Poultry farm, D as usual borrows..oops steals 3 chicken and we leave. Only this time we did a series of blunders.

1) D left the small torch on top of the coop.
2) D left the door closed ( we had told him to leave the door open so that Paulose chettan may think that some fox caught his chicken )
3) We drank too much that day and didn't bother to clean the place near the stream where we cleaned the chicken.

By next morning everyone started looking at us and whispering. Everyone had noticed the feathers and blood near our rubber shed. But I told them that I had bought the chicken yesterday from market and all those lies I usually say. They seemed doubtful...but we were sure that they cant prove it unless they call for CBI to investigate that. Happy ending......wrong again

Paulose chettan has a Grinding mill ( Ari podipikunna sthalam ). Our Mohanan had to go there next day ... he was very scared and somehow made it there

Paulose chettan : enthokke undu mohana ( Whats up mohanan )
Mohanan ( pleading ) : ellam aa pillera chetta...enikku chaarum kurachu ellum mathrame kittiyullooo ( everything was done by those kids...I only got some gravy and some bones ).

The news spread like a wild fire. We were left with that eternal scar and name ' Kozhi Kallan'. My grandmother cried a lot...I was made a laughing stock in social functions...all because of that guy with a kids heart ( &%$%*).

Lesson learned from the whole story : Distribute the food properly ... Dont give chance for anyone to accuse that he got only gravy and bones.